Taking on depression. I am the master of my life.

I have battled with depression most of my life. The earliest age I contemplated suicide, I believe was 11 or so. I've had my ups and downs. Periods in my life when I've been really low, and periods when I've been just fine. Interestingly, more often than not, I'm fine. I'm a bit sensitive or melancholy at times, but the deep depression doesn't happen that often.

Three years ago I had a pretty bad episode, and was suicidal. For the past couple of years, I've been just fine. However, last fall the symptoms started coming on slowly, and so far this year, it's been hell. Last week I had an anxiety attack that looked and felt much like a heart attack. Scary. So for the first time in six years, I am medicated. I started this week with a small dosage that will increase over the next two weeks.

I still feel like I'm living in hell. It doesn't just instantly get better. My take on life has basically been that I am the biggest sucker. Life is like reading a shitty book that everyone else is raving about. I keep reading, hoping it will get good, and then I get to the end, disappointed. Am I going to get to the end of life, and say, "Really? That sucked! Why did I bother? This shit is overrated." God I hope not. I really will feel like the biggest sucker.

I know I've had my happy moments in life. I know I've had years when I really really loved life. When depression is in full force, it's hard to remember them, or think they will ever come again. I'm having a hard time lately. Depression is getting the best of me. I was miserable at my job, so I found another one and gave my notice. The new job fell through, but I thought I could find something in the couple of weeks I had. I've been applying, I've been interviewing, and I haven't found one yet. I've already had my last day of work. So I'm unemployed right now.

I didn't sleep much last night. I stress. I agonize over what I could have said better in the interview yesterday. This morning, I wondered how am I ever going to find a job when the spark, the fire in me isn't really there right now? I'm not myself right now.

Thank god for my mom. She is my super hero and the person backing me up as I take on hell right now. She told me it's up to me to keep going, to take on my fears, be thankful for what I do have. Tonight we'll talk again about what each of us did with our day, to make it better.

I have done a lot of things today. I applied for more jobs, I showered, I have attempted to eat twice (I am going to finish that burrito when I finish typing this. You do not let Cafe Rio go to waste. No matter how depressed you are.) I did not let depression get the best of me today. I did not give up. I got to see my best friend, which was such an awesome, much needed, surprise. I decided to start this blog.

The purpose for this blog is to assist me in taking on depression, being the master of my life, and consciously creating the life I deserve to have.

I am not ashamed of having depression. It blows, but I am taking on my life, and I want to share the journey with others. For support for me. To support others who struggle, and to uplift and inspire others as I take it on.

F%$k depression.