The good news.

My mom is kinda a little kid, the kind that doesn't scare me. Yes, this is a Fisher- Price Nativity. My mom says her new grandson can have it in a year or two...maybe.

Kids Scare Me (and stupid people too).

I was in Walmart today, and this boy (I'm gonna say he was at least 5) was screaming bloody murder. Here are the 5 things that came out of my mouth in response during the 20 minutes I was looking for a fondue pot (you're welcome mom):

1) I am stating here and now, I am not having kids. Sorry dad, you're getting grandchihuahuas, not grandkids.
2) Would whoever is murdering that kid get it over with? Or am I going to go finish the job? He's driving me crazy!
3) Are you that kid I've been listening to scream all over the store? His mom: Pretty much. Kid: (Screaming, of course) Mom! She's scaring me!
4) I'm going to recruit you for my choir (if I had one) because you've got lungs kid!
5) I'm scaring him? He's scaring me! I'm gonna go get a hysterectomy!

The screaming still wasn't over when we left. (Dear God!) I don't typically condone child abuse but I wouldn't have blamed his mother at all if she had grabbed some duct tape and sealed his mouth shut. I might have applauded. I might have bought it for her.

Earlier in the day, someone asked me why I was "pissed off". This person clearly hasn't seen me pissed off, because while I wasn't thrilled, I certainly wasn't "pissed". (I put it in quotes because I am really beginning to dislike that word.) But if I was "pissed" it would be because that individual is a moron. Stupid people depress me. They talk, and then I really don't believe there is hope for this world.

Besides the fact that kids scare me, I don't think I will reproduce because I don't want to bring more people into this godforsaken world. Then, at times, I feel morally obligated to reproduce. Someone has to pass on good genetics, right? If there is any hope for mankind, maybe I've gotta keep brains in the gene pool. Maybe I should put up with screaming children, poopy diapers, teenagers, for the good of mankind.

But then again, why should on myself?

5 Things I am Grateful For

I've had a shitty day. So here is what I am thankful for today:

1. I haven't farted or taken a loud dump in the new place I am living. It just wouldn't make a great impression on the new roommates. Not to mention the bathroom is right next to one of my roommates bedrooms, where her and her boyfriend have been hanging out for the past two days because she is sick. So yes, I am thankful for no digestive problems, because there is no hiding it in this place.

2. My roommates dogs. They are so damn cute, and even if I don't really get why life is worth living, they get me through each moment that I see them. I don't know why any of us are alive or why any of it matters, but hell, they're cute, they're here, I'm here, let's play!

3. I am grateful for my car. It works well. It's warm. I am alive, and while I am, I am grateful for a working car. It's the best when it runs well, I have no anxiety about needing gas, needing the oil changed, etc. I don't know the purpose of my existence, but while I'm here I'm grateful for what I've got. It makes this crazy life better...less painful. I guess I'm expected to have a job, and be able to work so I can buy shit, and do shit, and somehow I am supposed to feel fulfilled. So thank you car for getting me there to do it all. But seriously....thankful for the car.

4. The beautiful weather. It could be snowing, cold, and gloomy, but it has been sunny, not all that cold, and the sky is clear. I like that. Thank you sunshine!

5. My parents. I call them all the time. Seriously wondering if I should just move home. Hey, half the people that actually graduated from college are, so I guess it wouldn't seem so bad if I did too. Part of me is like, "God no! Don't do it!" And the other part of me is like, "Well, why the hell not? Nothing else is working out so great. So I might as well be around people that love me?"

I dunno, maybe I'm being a little too harsh on life. I just don't get it though. I work so I can have money to pay for a place to live, eat, for stuff, to do things, and I'm just going through the motions of it all. Why does it matter? And then I think, "Oh, I sound so ungrateful. So now I'm going to lose everything so I can appreciate it." Well, that would kinda blow. I don't want life to get TOUGHER.

I do appreciate having a warm place to sleep, food, a family to call, etc. I really did mean it when I said I appreciate my car, and not farting. And I appreciate my job so that I can pay for my car/gas/insurance/maintenance.

So, I'm alive. I have stuff. I like it. I am grateful for it, and while I'm alive, I'd rather have it than not. But I still find myself asking why? And if I can't find an answer to that question, can I please stop asking it and just freaking enjoy life and all it's randomness? Why does it all have to have a reason?

Sleep, I Need You. I Want You...

I was asleep.  I don't know why I am awake now.  I have to be back to work in four hours so this is super awesome.  I don't know why I woke up, but as soon as I did my mind started racing.  That's super lame.  I am thinking about this wheel of cheese that's at work, that's sitting on the counter.  Some cheese, it's okay to leave out over night.  In fact, for a Parm Reg wheel, it's necessary if you want to be able to cut it.  However, I am wondering right now why I ever listen to my assistant.  I usually don't, but I did last night.  He said, "Sure, let's leave the Gruyere wheel out."  For some reason, and don't ask me why, it made sense to me at the time.  And quite frankly, I was too busy to stop and really think about it.  It's a seventy pound wheel of cheese, we leave the other seventy pound wheel of cheese out, so why not?  However, it dawns on me now, if it were a quarter wheel of cheese, would I have left it out? 

Negative. 

It's not cut, so it's safe, right?   "F*%%  F^*&)&  F*&$"   That's about how I feel about that.  That is a $1000 piece of cheese, at least.  It sucks because I really only have myself to blame for not thinking.  I am really busy at work, and my assistant and I were actually getting along yesterday.  That is rare.  But I was being too agreeable, and thinking this guy might actually know what he is doing, because he had a couple of good ideas yesterday.  F$#^ Me. 

It's my first holiday season as a Cheese Monger, and why the hell did I go and listen to my assistant who's a dumbf*&^?  I don't typically listen to him, which creates tension at work, and he bitches and complains how I treat him like a child, etc.  So typically, being at work isn't a lot of fun, but it's not because I don't like the work I do.  I love it.  It's a matter of who I work with.

So, on a day that I agree with him, get along with him, don't correct him, etc...it costs me $1000.

I'd rather not be the boss that causes people to go home and kick the dog (mostly because I love dogs but I also like to think that I care about people).  But if it's going to cost me that big, there's a part of me that would rather be a bitch.   How do I balance being the powerful, loving, healing, inspiring being I know I am, and dealing with a person that I feel I have to treat like shit to get anything done?  I don't feel like I can be nice to him, or treat him as kindly as I would like to, because I feel like he takes advantage of it, consciously or unconsciously, I don't know.  But if I'm not ordering him around, if I don't babysit the man to get things done, he doesn't do his job real well. 

I feel like I am rambling.  It's the middle of the night and I'm tired.  I'm not entirely sure if I am even making sense anymore. 

I guess for you out there that feel like you have a boss that makes you "kick the dog",  your boss may very feel like kicking the dog too.  That is all hypothetical.  I would never kick my dog, nor do I condone kicking dogs.  Dogs are the best to cuddle up with when what you really want to do is kick someone else.  

I should get a dog again. 

Caffeine and Anxiety

This is SO interesting! I drank coffee today, and it made me sick. It has done this before, but I like coffee so I drink it anyways. I don't drink it a lot. The last time I had it was two weeks ago. Anyways, the point being that it makes me sick. I get a headache, a stomach ache, I get jittery and shaky. I was wondering if others have this same effect so I Googled it, and sure enough I found a whole forum of people that have experienced this, and a lot of them have anxiety disorders.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Allergy/Caffeine-Allergy-Intolerance/show/561729

Fascinating! When I'm not stressed out of my mind and miserable, I find things about anxiety that are incredibly interesting. I discover things that I have no idea why they happen to me, and realize they are connected to anxiety. Now, which comes first, the chicken or the egg; I don't know but it's all related.

My coffee/caffeine intolerance is an example. Also, I yawn a lot. People with anxiety tend to take shorter breaths and don't get as much oxygen. Who knew? I was talking to my dad about this today and the song Breathe by Anna Nalick was on the radio. I thought that was hilarious.

I don't eat sugar much anymore. It kind of has the same effect as the coffee. I used to be such a sugar junkie, but it's just not worth it anymore.

I have stopped drinking alcohol. Alcohol has sugar in it, so I'm sure that's part of it. But I honestly have just lost any appetite for alcohol. I can't even get through a glass of wine anymore.

My body has just started rejecting so many things in just the past six months. It's weird.

My jaw hurts at times, probably because I clench my teeth. I don't do this consciously, and so it seems like the aching jaw just sneaks up on me. Like yesterday. It's still hurting.

Next, I'll find out that my earaches are somehow related. I won't rule it out, but I think it actually has to do with my sinus problems. The bane of my existence that runs in my family. I read that ears have allergy symptoms as well. It's not just the red, itchy eyes, runny nose, sneezing and congestion. My ears itching inside can be because of the pollen, dirt whatever it is that I'm allergic to.

It would be so nice if I cut out sugar, alcohol, caffeine, and whatever else I need to, take herbs, and exercise; and my anxiety goes away. It would be so nice to manage it naturally. I would love to not have an aching jaw right now. Or feel like shit in general anymore.

Dear life, let's make a deal. I'll do whatever is required; no more having my cake and eating it too. Or coffee or Jack Daniels for that matter. I honor my body and what it is telling me, and you take my anxiety away, and let me feel joy, peace, gratitude once again. I'm giving up wine to pair with my cheese, Jack Daniels, and sugar in general. By god, I'm doing my part.

Green Year

One of my aunts told me a few years ago that life goes in cycles; kinda like the Chinese signs or Numerology. The system she follows goes by colors. Ever since then, I have asked her what year I was in out of curiosity. This year is my green year. It's the year for planting the seeds for things to come in my life. It's the year for the ground work for what I want to create in my life.

I started this year with plans, and saying, "This is what I want, so this is what I am doing." For the most part, I've been doing really well. This summer was rough, and it threw off my plans a bit. It also threw off my outlook on life. I think it's pretty accurate that this year is for starting new things, because I just started a new career. I had no idea that was coming.

This year I had my first committed, serious relationship. It started at the very beginning of the year with my first New Years Eve kiss, but it didn't make it to the end of the year. It ended last week. I am pretty confident in my decision to end it. But god it hurts! It hurt to do it. I cried so much. I still cry. I want so badly to call him and tell him I love him. I want so much happiness for him. I wonder how he's doing, but I'm so scared to call him. I don't want to do it, because I don't want to cause him more pain. I don't want to do it because I don't want to hear him be angry with me or hear again how I broke his heart.

It's hard to go cold turkey from being in a relationship to being alone.

I don't think you ever read my blog, but I have to say it. I love you. I miss you. I want the absolute best and the most joy in the world for you. I would give anything for you to have all the happiness. I gave you my all for the time that I could.

My life is made up of cheesy days. Pun intended.

It's a sure sign that it's been an interesting day when the thing that brings a smile to my face is thinking about getting pulled over on the interstate.

It went something like this:

I hand him my license and insurance card. He hands me back my insurance and checks out my license.
Officer: 'Are you still living in SG?' (names of cities shortened to protect the guilty)
me: 'No sir, I live in PG.'
O: 'So what are you doing here?'
me: 'Came home to visit my family.'
O: 'Oh, so you're from IF, lived in SG, and then moved up to PG. So what do you do?'
me: 'I'm a cheese monger.'
O: 'A cheese what?'
me: 'I have about $20,000 of cheese, and I sell it.'
O: 'Oh, well, I love cheese. What's your favorite one?'
me: 'I just found this amazing one from Cowgirl Creamery in California. It's a wash rind, and the inside is soft like brie, and it tastes so fresh! It's amazing.'
O: 'Well my sister-in-law just brought us a raspberry one, and it was delicious.'
me: 'Raspberry Bellavitano? Tastes like a sweet parmesan?"
O: That's the one! If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'll be right back.
(He takes my license and goes back to his truck for a few minutes, and then returns.)
O: 'Well I just love cheese.'
me: 'The next time you're in Utah, you'll have to come buy some from my store.'
O: 'That sounds good. I'll hafta do that. Do you need a ticket today?'
me: 'No, I don't think so.'
O: 'You have a great day. It was a pleasure talkin' cheese with you. Just slow down. I don't want to meet you down the road in an accident."
me: 'Thank you sir.'


That was the best part of my day. I'm thankful I didn't get a ticket. I'm glad I got to talk to such a pleasant person. I got to talk cheese instead of getting a ticket.