Today. What is there to say about today?

My life is shit, and it's going to be shit forever. And then I die.

It's one of those mornings. Why bother doing anything today? I have an interview in an hour and a half, and like I've mentioned before, why would someone hire me when I have no passion or will to even live? Well, you see, that's not entirely true, but in moments like this, it seems true.

It's hard to get excited about anything right now. How am I going to go to this job interview, and seem interested, when it's one of those jobs that if the jobs I'm interested in don't hire me, then I'd consider this one just so that I can get by while I search for a job I really want. Even the jobs "I'm interested in" would have a hard time exciting me today.

Of all the jobs I have interviewed/applied for, there are three I am interested in, that I think I could possibly be happy doing (and on the good days, even eager and engaged). There is a fourth that I think would be interesting and I would learn, for sure, but... not in my top three. There is one that I am not even really considering, because they haven't called back, nor do I think they will, but I think I would have liked to give being a receptionist a shot. And most of the others are just in case nothing else works out, and I just need a job. Which honestly, for them, isn't the worst thing that could happen. I would still show up on time, consistently, and do my job the best I can.

But it would just be a job for me. My boyfriend is the type of person that can do a job, like it or hate it, as long as he's making money. I don't know how he does this. Is this all I should get from life? Work for the money, and then die? I could maybe understand working for money if you had a great life outside of your job, but my boyfriend works A LOT. So what good is all that money?

I could easily get a job that I enjoyed that doesn't pay enough, but would I really be happy when I can't support myself? Negative. That's not a solution. I'm looking for a job that pays well enough, hopefully I'll like it, and make damn sure I use my time off work to enjoy life and the money I'm making. If I get a job in my top three, I would make the most of it for sure. I would do everything in my power to enjoy it, to contribute, to be engaged. And then continue to be engaged in the rest of my life. I deserve to have balance.

So top three, please come through for me. I want to be happy. I want to have a job I like. I want to learn and grow at work. I want to make enough money to support myself. I want to have a job that I'm engaged in, and engage others too. Come on, I've got what it takes. I really do. Today I'm just not feeling it as much. Probably because the only thing on the schedule for today, is a job interview I feel so-so about.

Perhaps this waiting period for this job taking two weeks to make a decision is a good thing. I will have been on my new medication for nearly three weeks and it will be in my system and hopefully making me feel better. So I'll either feel better about life, and ready to take on my new job. Or I won't immediately feel suicidal when the job search continues.

The good news is, my goldfish is still alive. This is incredible considering I have never had a fish tank before, and didn't know how to care for one. Three months later, the fish is still alive. I'm impressed.

Another thought, how does one deal with someone that doesn't believe depression is a real thing in my brain? That it really is chemistry, and it's real inside of my body. J just tells me to "be happy" "think happy thoughts." I know, ultimately, I get to choose to be happy. That's what I am doing. I am taking medication, I am getting out of bed, doing things with my life, staying alive, changing situations in my life that aren't working for me, trying to find the joy. But it doesn't happen "just like that." Like a quote I shared yesterday, 'Change is a combination of effort and time. Keep going." I guess I answered my own question. I am doing what I can to be happy. It just takes time. I know it's trying for J because he doesn't understand, and he doesn't know what's going to happen.

I don't even know. I feel like I'm just rambling now. I am tired. I gotta go get ready for this interview now. God help me. I am doing absolutely everything I can. There are so many factors I cannot control, so Angels, please support me and assist me. I am doing all that I can, and the only thing I can do now is trust that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will be good. I just hope good really is good, and not more challenges. What if for my greatest good, in two weeks, I still don't have a job. God, to me that would really suck. But I suppose that means I'm headed somewhere I really can't see now. Which is exciting, but scary. Because I want to be right where I am, with the man I love. I don't want to go too much farther than that, for the time being. Maybe someday, but today is not that day.