Really?

Two hours ago I was exhausted. So tired, I knew I didn't need the medication that helps quiet my mind and let me sleep. My mind wasn't racing, and I just wanted to go to bed. Two hours later, I am blogging.

There I was, seemingly sound asleep and the next second my eyes open and my mind says, "Oh good, you're awake! You suck." Immediately these thoughts of why I won't get a good job that I recently applied for started, and I said, "Now just wait a second! What the hell? Really?"

Why? I was just asleep! It's like someone was waiting there, waiting for me to wake up just so they could punch me in the face as my eyes opened. Why? Why would you do that?

So, I started searching for my meds, which took me a few minutes, because I forgot where I put them. (Give me a break...screw that, I give myself a break. I'm traveling, things get lost.)

Until those kick in, I decided to share what I was thinking about while driving today...er, yesterday.

This world is depressing. The economy is depressed (see, it's not just me), the country is in debt and going further, the stock market fell yesterday for fear of another recession, there is war, etc.
I have almost been living with my head in the sand, afraid to look up and see what's going on because it's just scary. Every now and then, I glance at the news when a headline catches my eye, and I don't like what I see. I think it takes real courage (or denial) to keep going in a world like this; to still dream of a good life. Or I go back to my theory on life being like a really shitty book, and I'm a glutton for punishment.

I feel like I've totally lost any illusion of having "the American dream". Not that I really want it in the traditional sense. I don't want to take more than my share of the world's resources. I don't want to have more and more money and more and more stuff just because I can. Our society has glamorized that, and now greed is really biting us in the ass. The pessimist in me really does not see me as entitled to anything really. I don't deserve a house, food, a job, security, retirement, health care, etc. Most people in the world don't have those, why should I expect to?

I think it was a combination of becoming an adult and having to fend for myself; realizing that life's comforts aren't just handed out on a silver platter, and the depression hitting the world just as I am starting out in life. I am starting at the beginning, building my life, and watching so many people lose everything. I'm a little shell shocked. What do I do? Where is this country, the world headed? What can I do to feel safe? Are we going to recover? Do I just keep going, despite all hell breaking lose around me, and hope that it all is going to be okay? Would it be naive to just think grocery stores are always going to be open, food available and easily accessible as it has been my whole life? How bad is shit going to hit the fan? (Where did that saying come from? Why is there shit on the fan?)

I guess what it comes down to is, if I don't dream big, if my expectations of life aren't too high, then I can't be too disappointed. I can just prove myself right that resources are scarce, hard to come by, a comfy life is for the select few and I'm not one of them. I'm one of those that gets to just scrape by in life.

It's so weird why I think like that. Why don't I feel like I deserve things that have been very normal in my life? I grew up with food, a nice house, dental/health care, etc.

I dunno. Meds are starting to kick in. Thoughts are getting fuzzy. I was on a role, and now I think to myself, "That's a very interesting question...one that I am not going to answer right now." So I am signing off now. Sleep is coming back to me! But, I think this post is one that deserves some comments, discussion even. There's a lot going on here. Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Concerns?

Yes, I have a concern. I don't want to wake up and have someone punch me in the face.