Green Year

One of my aunts told me a few years ago that life goes in cycles; kinda like the Chinese signs or Numerology. The system she follows goes by colors. Ever since then, I have asked her what year I was in out of curiosity. This year is my green year. It's the year for planting the seeds for things to come in my life. It's the year for the ground work for what I want to create in my life.

I started this year with plans, and saying, "This is what I want, so this is what I am doing." For the most part, I've been doing really well. This summer was rough, and it threw off my plans a bit. It also threw off my outlook on life. I think it's pretty accurate that this year is for starting new things, because I just started a new career. I had no idea that was coming.

This year I had my first committed, serious relationship. It started at the very beginning of the year with my first New Years Eve kiss, but it didn't make it to the end of the year. It ended last week. I am pretty confident in my decision to end it. But god it hurts! It hurt to do it. I cried so much. I still cry. I want so badly to call him and tell him I love him. I want so much happiness for him. I wonder how he's doing, but I'm so scared to call him. I don't want to do it, because I don't want to cause him more pain. I don't want to do it because I don't want to hear him be angry with me or hear again how I broke his heart.

It's hard to go cold turkey from being in a relationship to being alone.

I don't think you ever read my blog, but I have to say it. I love you. I miss you. I want the absolute best and the most joy in the world for you. I would give anything for you to have all the happiness. I gave you my all for the time that I could.