May You Find Some Comfort Here

I haven't posted in a long time. I got caught up in my new job so much that I haven't given anything else much attention. Even Facebook.

I feel that more or less, my medication is working, or at least I have thought it has. I think it is. What I really believe that I get to do now is go back to something I learned a long time ago. My thoughts create my reality. I get to get my thoughts under control. I let my mind spiral, and I am incredibly self critical. I've always been my hardest judge, but lately I am ridiculous.

I think there is an element to my job that is addicting. I can push myself harder and harder, and there is always more to do. I can't reach perfection, and it pisses me off. Yet, I keep striving for it, thinking, 'Maybe this week'. And then I beat myself up when I can't do it. Perhaps I am putting more pressure on myself than anyone else expects.

How do I learn to love myself and be kind to myself?

I am working on that. Baby steps at work. Prioritize more, so that I can say, I can get this, this and this done. And not expect myself to do everything, right now.

Tonight, I cried a little bit after I left work because I left some things undone. And not so much undone, but I saw things as I was closing and I thought, 'That needs to be done.' I made myself leave instead of keep working, after I'd already worked 10 hours. Maybe I'm OCD? It stayed with me for awhile, as I drove home, and even at home for a bit. "I didn't do that! I should have before I left! What if they think I'm a bad employee?"

Anyways, I heard this song on the radio as I was driving home. (No NPR for me tonight.) I think this song is my new favorite. It sounded really nice to me. I hope I fall asleep tonight thinking about angels and have a wonderful, peaceful dream.

Sarah McLachlan- Angel