Smile, though your heart is aching...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdlohO3qeYY

Smile though your heart is aching,
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky,
You'll get by, if you smile through your fear and sorrow.
Smile, and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through
For you.

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use in crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.




My grandpa used to sing this song. Last fall/winter as he was dying, I tried singing it to him, but couldn't remember all the words. He didn't remember them either because of Alzheimer's. There was a moment though, when I think he remembered a little bit. He was trying to sing while we were taking a picture together.

I love this song. Mostly because it reminds me of him.

Sometimes though, I feel like I don't want to smile. I want to cry. But I suppose I get to choose how to be, even when there are sad, heart breaking things happening in life. (This is why I tell myself I am a good girl. I keep going though I'm so sad.)

Life just feels really heavy lately. I've been working so hard to make changes to things that didn't work for me. aka, a new job. That took a few weeks to make happen. Now that I have a job, (timing is all at once right now) I have a week to find a new place to live. Right as I am training on my new job, I am looking for a place, and will move.

My boyfriend and I decided now isn't the best time for us to move in together, like we've been talking about for months now. I get to move to another city to be closer to my job. New job, a move, and we'll see if my relationship survives this.

I knew our relationship would be a little different when I decided to get a new job, because we're going from having the same schedule, working at the same place, and seeing each other a lot to working different schedules at different places. Now I am moving away too. Without him. I'm only going to be a half hour drive away, but with entirely different schedules, I don't know when we'll see each other.

"Smile, though your heart is aching...."

I'm a good girl

What do I say about today? I have been processing so much today. I sat in my room for a few hours, thinking, crying, writing in my journal. Then I decided I actually deserved to get some stuff done today.

When I do things that are good for me to do, whether it's ironing my clothes, running errands that I'm better off getting done, filling my pill boxes for the week with my meds/herbs, helping my mom, or whatever. I literally say to myself, "I'm such a good girl." It started this past week as I spent the week with my mom, and it's like I do things I think my mom would be proud of, and I tell myself I'm a good girl. It's silly, but I like it.

So today felt hard, but I was a good girl, and I got stuff done regardless. But not in a torturous way to myself. I really think I'm a good girl because I get things done because I'm able to see the bigger picture and what serves me, even through the gloom and sad feelings.

Today was heavy, and even after I got stuff done, I spent an hour and half crying to my mom on the phone. Have I mentioned before that my mom is awesome? I am so grateful she picks up the phone still when she sees it's me calling.

Tomorrow is the orientation for my new job. Big day. Today I was there doing some paperwork, and I started to get a little taste of my job, and it has quite a bit of responsibility. I was a little daunted (so part of the reason I was crying on the phone to my mom). However, I realized, seriously, I've done this stuff before. It's just that before I got thrown into it. Now I'm signing up for it and saying, "Yes, I am totally capable of X,Y, and Z." And I am capable. I am very smart, and I have a lot of experience and knowledge of food, customer service, stock rotation, inventory and ordering, scheduling, and leadership. I definitely have room for improvement, to learn and to grow, so I'm excited...in a ropes course kinda way.

Oh, I could keep writing. I had so many thoughts today. I haven't even started, but I am so tired and I've got an early morning tomorrow. I am going to bed, so I can wake up early for my new job tomorrow. I'm such a good girl.

Manicures help.

An issue I have dealt with is not feeling feminine. As a chef, I haven't been able to dress up, do my hair, have my nails done, wear jewelry, wear cute clothes, etc. I've been "one of the guys" for a few years now. I just haven't had many opportunities to be a lady, and I'm not going to lie, it's worn on me.

It's interesting how much it has affected my self esteem. I haven't felt good about myself. I wanted to be girly, and look nice. More importantly, I wanted to feel like I was taking care of myself and that I mattered. But it didn't fit into my lifestyle.

That is something I am changing. This week, I have gotten my hair dyed (I'm a redhead now!) and I had a manicure and pedicure. My hair looks awesome, and so I like showing it off. It's a HUGE deal for me to get a manicure. The last time I actually got a manicure was just over two year ago for my sister's wedding. My nails never look nice. They're short and dirty a lot of times because of the kitchen. But no more. I get to have nice nails.

Nice hair and nails is making me want to wear nice clothes, and make sure my makeup is done. I am taking time for me, to feel beautiful, and I love it! It's a part of me feeling like I am worth the happy life I deserve. It's part of beating the blues.

I'm winning.

The weekend- I got to be a giver! I love it!

I don't really know what to say, or where to start. It's been an eventful weekend. My best friend got married, so I've been busy with wedding preparations on Friday and Saturday. Today, I recovered.

Being in service of my best friend during the weekend of her wedding has been great. I truly feel like I showed up for her, and did everything I could to make it her day, and to help pull all the details together, and save her mom's sanity. That feels really good. I loved serving people I love. It was a beautiful wedding, and I am very happy for my friend and her husband. I'm excited for the years to come and being their friend.

During my weekend of service, I was offered a job. Remember that one that was going to wait two weeks to make a decision? Well, they made a decision, a week early. They offered me the job on Friday afternoon, and I was super excited; but also incredibly preoccupied. So I will call HR back tomorrow to decide my start date for becoming a cheese monger.

It's an awesome opportunity. I get day time hours as opposed to the late nights of line cooking in restaurants. I get more money. I get to totally change gears and work the retail side of the food industry, instead of restaurant cooking (hehe...my cheese got moved. Anyone read that book?) I get to LEARN! (I LOVE learning!) more about cheese, and not just learn it, but be the resident expert on it. I get to talk to and connect with people as I share my knowledge. I get to care what I look like everyday, because I'm not going to be hidden back in a kitchen anymore. That will do a lot for my femininity and feeling good about myself.

Sounds like a pretty good weekend huh? Yeah, it was. I am so glad I decided to leave my job worries behind in Utah and come to Idaho to enjoy the weekend. For the most part, this weekend has been nurturing to me, and a nice break with a lot of good things happening.
I had my moments though. I missed my boyfriend even though I realize he would have been bored being here this weekend. Let's face it, I wouldn't have paid him that much attention.

After I was offered the job, and telling my mom about it, I wasn't all that excited. I said something to the effect of, "I just feel like they must have offered the job to someone else first, and that person declined for whatever reason, so I was their next choice." I couldn't believe that they really wanted me. My mom was sure to call me on my bullshit. "Becca, you got the job. They wanted you. What you have is what they wanted. People aren't exactly handing out jobs for pity in this economy." Isn't my ability to turn some great news into okay news incredible? My mom is awesome.

I feel better for sure, and I feel like I am going to be ready to walk onto this job, confident of the knowledge I have, confident that I still have a lot to learn, and ready to take it on. So, what's your favorite cheese?

Really?

Two hours ago I was exhausted. So tired, I knew I didn't need the medication that helps quiet my mind and let me sleep. My mind wasn't racing, and I just wanted to go to bed. Two hours later, I am blogging.

There I was, seemingly sound asleep and the next second my eyes open and my mind says, "Oh good, you're awake! You suck." Immediately these thoughts of why I won't get a good job that I recently applied for started, and I said, "Now just wait a second! What the hell? Really?"

Why? I was just asleep! It's like someone was waiting there, waiting for me to wake up just so they could punch me in the face as my eyes opened. Why? Why would you do that?

So, I started searching for my meds, which took me a few minutes, because I forgot where I put them. (Give me a break...screw that, I give myself a break. I'm traveling, things get lost.)

Until those kick in, I decided to share what I was thinking about while driving today...er, yesterday.

This world is depressing. The economy is depressed (see, it's not just me), the country is in debt and going further, the stock market fell yesterday for fear of another recession, there is war, etc.
I have almost been living with my head in the sand, afraid to look up and see what's going on because it's just scary. Every now and then, I glance at the news when a headline catches my eye, and I don't like what I see. I think it takes real courage (or denial) to keep going in a world like this; to still dream of a good life. Or I go back to my theory on life being like a really shitty book, and I'm a glutton for punishment.

I feel like I've totally lost any illusion of having "the American dream". Not that I really want it in the traditional sense. I don't want to take more than my share of the world's resources. I don't want to have more and more money and more and more stuff just because I can. Our society has glamorized that, and now greed is really biting us in the ass. The pessimist in me really does not see me as entitled to anything really. I don't deserve a house, food, a job, security, retirement, health care, etc. Most people in the world don't have those, why should I expect to?

I think it was a combination of becoming an adult and having to fend for myself; realizing that life's comforts aren't just handed out on a silver platter, and the depression hitting the world just as I am starting out in life. I am starting at the beginning, building my life, and watching so many people lose everything. I'm a little shell shocked. What do I do? Where is this country, the world headed? What can I do to feel safe? Are we going to recover? Do I just keep going, despite all hell breaking lose around me, and hope that it all is going to be okay? Would it be naive to just think grocery stores are always going to be open, food available and easily accessible as it has been my whole life? How bad is shit going to hit the fan? (Where did that saying come from? Why is there shit on the fan?)

I guess what it comes down to is, if I don't dream big, if my expectations of life aren't too high, then I can't be too disappointed. I can just prove myself right that resources are scarce, hard to come by, a comfy life is for the select few and I'm not one of them. I'm one of those that gets to just scrape by in life.

It's so weird why I think like that. Why don't I feel like I deserve things that have been very normal in my life? I grew up with food, a nice house, dental/health care, etc.

I dunno. Meds are starting to kick in. Thoughts are getting fuzzy. I was on a role, and now I think to myself, "That's a very interesting question...one that I am not going to answer right now." So I am signing off now. Sleep is coming back to me! But, I think this post is one that deserves some comments, discussion even. There's a lot going on here. Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Concerns?

Yes, I have a concern. I don't want to wake up and have someone punch me in the face.

I am exhausted, and taking a break.

Today was shit. It is true. I am totally worn out emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I'm drained. I've been working so hard searching for jobs, applying, interviewing. I'm tired.

My interview went well today, and the Chef set up a time for me to come in tomorrow and cook for her. I am cancelling. It's one of those jobs that if one of the jobs I actually want doesn't happen, then maybe I'd do that job. But I don't love it, and I don't really want it. I'm tired of interviewing, and I know this one isn't going anywhere, because I don't really want it. So I'll decline politely and maybe come back to it if I have to.

And so I am free. Free for the weekend. I am worn out, so I have decided I am done for the week. My best friend is getting married Saturday, so I am going home to help her finish up the plans, relax, and not worry about job stuff. I'm not going to look for jobs. I am not going to apply. I am going home to do wedding stuff, celebrate with my best friend as she gets married, see my family, and enjoy life.

FREE! Free from worries, free from guilt, just go home and enjoy. I am so excited!

I don't know if I won today, but I did drag myself across the finish line. I'll give myself props for that. I got my house all cleaned, I am mostly packed to go. I got everything done. I can leave with a clear conscience for the weekend!

Also, I would like to thank everyone for your love, concern, and support. I have gotten comments, emails, texts, phone calls etc since I started this blog, and I am so grateful for all the love. I am grateful for support from all of you, and I am so happy that I support and inspire you as well. Life is better with love, connections with other people, so I am glad I have created another way to connect and share real life.
Thank you. I love you.

Today. What is there to say about today?

My life is shit, and it's going to be shit forever. And then I die.

It's one of those mornings. Why bother doing anything today? I have an interview in an hour and a half, and like I've mentioned before, why would someone hire me when I have no passion or will to even live? Well, you see, that's not entirely true, but in moments like this, it seems true.

It's hard to get excited about anything right now. How am I going to go to this job interview, and seem interested, when it's one of those jobs that if the jobs I'm interested in don't hire me, then I'd consider this one just so that I can get by while I search for a job I really want. Even the jobs "I'm interested in" would have a hard time exciting me today.

Of all the jobs I have interviewed/applied for, there are three I am interested in, that I think I could possibly be happy doing (and on the good days, even eager and engaged). There is a fourth that I think would be interesting and I would learn, for sure, but... not in my top three. There is one that I am not even really considering, because they haven't called back, nor do I think they will, but I think I would have liked to give being a receptionist a shot. And most of the others are just in case nothing else works out, and I just need a job. Which honestly, for them, isn't the worst thing that could happen. I would still show up on time, consistently, and do my job the best I can.

But it would just be a job for me. My boyfriend is the type of person that can do a job, like it or hate it, as long as he's making money. I don't know how he does this. Is this all I should get from life? Work for the money, and then die? I could maybe understand working for money if you had a great life outside of your job, but my boyfriend works A LOT. So what good is all that money?

I could easily get a job that I enjoyed that doesn't pay enough, but would I really be happy when I can't support myself? Negative. That's not a solution. I'm looking for a job that pays well enough, hopefully I'll like it, and make damn sure I use my time off work to enjoy life and the money I'm making. If I get a job in my top three, I would make the most of it for sure. I would do everything in my power to enjoy it, to contribute, to be engaged. And then continue to be engaged in the rest of my life. I deserve to have balance.

So top three, please come through for me. I want to be happy. I want to have a job I like. I want to learn and grow at work. I want to make enough money to support myself. I want to have a job that I'm engaged in, and engage others too. Come on, I've got what it takes. I really do. Today I'm just not feeling it as much. Probably because the only thing on the schedule for today, is a job interview I feel so-so about.

Perhaps this waiting period for this job taking two weeks to make a decision is a good thing. I will have been on my new medication for nearly three weeks and it will be in my system and hopefully making me feel better. So I'll either feel better about life, and ready to take on my new job. Or I won't immediately feel suicidal when the job search continues.

The good news is, my goldfish is still alive. This is incredible considering I have never had a fish tank before, and didn't know how to care for one. Three months later, the fish is still alive. I'm impressed.

Another thought, how does one deal with someone that doesn't believe depression is a real thing in my brain? That it really is chemistry, and it's real inside of my body. J just tells me to "be happy" "think happy thoughts." I know, ultimately, I get to choose to be happy. That's what I am doing. I am taking medication, I am getting out of bed, doing things with my life, staying alive, changing situations in my life that aren't working for me, trying to find the joy. But it doesn't happen "just like that." Like a quote I shared yesterday, 'Change is a combination of effort and time. Keep going." I guess I answered my own question. I am doing what I can to be happy. It just takes time. I know it's trying for J because he doesn't understand, and he doesn't know what's going to happen.

I don't even know. I feel like I'm just rambling now. I am tired. I gotta go get ready for this interview now. God help me. I am doing absolutely everything I can. There are so many factors I cannot control, so Angels, please support me and assist me. I am doing all that I can, and the only thing I can do now is trust that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will be good. I just hope good really is good, and not more challenges. What if for my greatest good, in two weeks, I still don't have a job. God, to me that would really suck. But I suppose that means I'm headed somewhere I really can't see now. Which is exciting, but scary. Because I want to be right where I am, with the man I love. I don't want to go too much farther than that, for the time being. Maybe someday, but today is not that day.

Well That Sucked.

I worked hard all day. Cleaned my house like a mad woman in between three interviews today, and setting up another one for tomorrow and applying for another job. I was busy today. Winning again. You know how I roll.

And I was so excited to have an evening with the man tonight, but it hardly turned out romantic, or even amicable towards the end. I love him to death. I love him so much. I think it's ridiculous that we argue over something we agree on. WTF?

Ugh, I even got all dressed up tonight and was looking so cute. And it just blows when we talk and talk for hours, and we're both still going to bed without anything really figured out. WTF just happened here? I don't even know, but tomorrow is another day. Maybe things will look better in the daylight.

And the good news is, despite it all, we still love each other. That hasn't changed. That is a very good feeling.

Change

I have been thinking a lot about change lately. Mostly because a lot of things in my life are changing, which has been causing me anxiety. But when I think about changes, and I take out the fear, I find that change is beautiful, and maybe even sacred (but not secret, you can talk about change).

Change creates growth and learning, which is pretty exciting actually. But because we are growing, learning, and stretching our boundaries, change can seem scary. Right now I have no idea what kind of job I will get, where I will go, how it will impact my financial life, my personal life, or my relationship. What if the best job for me ends up being one that makes me move away? I would be so sad. I don't want to leave J. So I'm not really applying outside of this area, but what if it just happens that way? (See the awfulizing coming in?) I just keep going with 'what if...'

There are a lot of unknowns with change, and I typically react with anxiety and stress. However, I am working on looking at the unknown as endless possibilities, of so many good things that can come my way. I do know for sure, that when I focus my energy/ask God/ ask the Universe etc for something, the answer is always yes. So if I focus on the negative (which I am prone to do with depression and all) then I will attract negative things/experiences. Because no matter how good anything is, depression/negativity leaves me dissatisfied.

However, if I am very aware, and focus on good things coming into my life, then that is what I will get. Really, it's all about if I see the glass as half empty or the glass as half full.

So, change is a good thing. It helps me learn. I posted this quote on facebook last week, but wanted to share it again here, because I absolutely love it. It has given me courage to keep going when others said, 'Stay in an unfulfilling job, at least you're making money.' I really felt inside of me that it was time for a change, and while I haven't just easily transitioned into a knew one and I have challenges, I'm glad I left.

"We are born fully equipped to break free of past confining conditions that no longer serve us. And it is our destiny to do so. That inner impulse, that yearning to explore beyond the boundaries of our daily life permeates every living thing, and its voice perpetually whispers in our inner ear, 'Grow, grow, grow' But, there is another voice that often speaks much louder, the voice of fear. It shouts, 'No, no, no... Stay right where you are. While you may not like it, you risk nothing by staying put.' But unfortunately, that is the big lie. There is great risk in resisting the divine urge to grow." -Dennis Merritt Jones, The Art of Uncertainty


Change can be scary for everyone. It can be horrifying for someone with depression/anxiety. But it doesn't have to be bad if we open ourselves up to the possibilities the change can make us better people.

There is another quote I read in a book this weekend, "Change is a combination of time and effort. Keep Going." -Elna Baker

I am making a lot of changes in my life right now. They aren't going as smoothly as I would like, but I feel I am making changes to make my life better. So, I am making the effort, and I get to wait for time, and I am going to keep going.
"The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life"