Caffeine and Anxiety

This is SO interesting! I drank coffee today, and it made me sick. It has done this before, but I like coffee so I drink it anyways. I don't drink it a lot. The last time I had it was two weeks ago. Anyways, the point being that it makes me sick. I get a headache, a stomach ache, I get jittery and shaky. I was wondering if others have this same effect so I Googled it, and sure enough I found a whole forum of people that have experienced this, and a lot of them have anxiety disorders.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Allergy/Caffeine-Allergy-Intolerance/show/561729

Fascinating! When I'm not stressed out of my mind and miserable, I find things about anxiety that are incredibly interesting. I discover things that I have no idea why they happen to me, and realize they are connected to anxiety. Now, which comes first, the chicken or the egg; I don't know but it's all related.

My coffee/caffeine intolerance is an example. Also, I yawn a lot. People with anxiety tend to take shorter breaths and don't get as much oxygen. Who knew? I was talking to my dad about this today and the song Breathe by Anna Nalick was on the radio. I thought that was hilarious.

I don't eat sugar much anymore. It kind of has the same effect as the coffee. I used to be such a sugar junkie, but it's just not worth it anymore.

I have stopped drinking alcohol. Alcohol has sugar in it, so I'm sure that's part of it. But I honestly have just lost any appetite for alcohol. I can't even get through a glass of wine anymore.

My body has just started rejecting so many things in just the past six months. It's weird.

My jaw hurts at times, probably because I clench my teeth. I don't do this consciously, and so it seems like the aching jaw just sneaks up on me. Like yesterday. It's still hurting.

Next, I'll find out that my earaches are somehow related. I won't rule it out, but I think it actually has to do with my sinus problems. The bane of my existence that runs in my family. I read that ears have allergy symptoms as well. It's not just the red, itchy eyes, runny nose, sneezing and congestion. My ears itching inside can be because of the pollen, dirt whatever it is that I'm allergic to.

It would be so nice if I cut out sugar, alcohol, caffeine, and whatever else I need to, take herbs, and exercise; and my anxiety goes away. It would be so nice to manage it naturally. I would love to not have an aching jaw right now. Or feel like shit in general anymore.

Dear life, let's make a deal. I'll do whatever is required; no more having my cake and eating it too. Or coffee or Jack Daniels for that matter. I honor my body and what it is telling me, and you take my anxiety away, and let me feel joy, peace, gratitude once again. I'm giving up wine to pair with my cheese, Jack Daniels, and sugar in general. By god, I'm doing my part.

Green Year

One of my aunts told me a few years ago that life goes in cycles; kinda like the Chinese signs or Numerology. The system she follows goes by colors. Ever since then, I have asked her what year I was in out of curiosity. This year is my green year. It's the year for planting the seeds for things to come in my life. It's the year for the ground work for what I want to create in my life.

I started this year with plans, and saying, "This is what I want, so this is what I am doing." For the most part, I've been doing really well. This summer was rough, and it threw off my plans a bit. It also threw off my outlook on life. I think it's pretty accurate that this year is for starting new things, because I just started a new career. I had no idea that was coming.

This year I had my first committed, serious relationship. It started at the very beginning of the year with my first New Years Eve kiss, but it didn't make it to the end of the year. It ended last week. I am pretty confident in my decision to end it. But god it hurts! It hurt to do it. I cried so much. I still cry. I want so badly to call him and tell him I love him. I want so much happiness for him. I wonder how he's doing, but I'm so scared to call him. I don't want to do it, because I don't want to cause him more pain. I don't want to do it because I don't want to hear him be angry with me or hear again how I broke his heart.

It's hard to go cold turkey from being in a relationship to being alone.

I don't think you ever read my blog, but I have to say it. I love you. I miss you. I want the absolute best and the most joy in the world for you. I would give anything for you to have all the happiness. I gave you my all for the time that I could.

My life is made up of cheesy days. Pun intended.

It's a sure sign that it's been an interesting day when the thing that brings a smile to my face is thinking about getting pulled over on the interstate.

It went something like this:

I hand him my license and insurance card. He hands me back my insurance and checks out my license.
Officer: 'Are you still living in SG?' (names of cities shortened to protect the guilty)
me: 'No sir, I live in PG.'
O: 'So what are you doing here?'
me: 'Came home to visit my family.'
O: 'Oh, so you're from IF, lived in SG, and then moved up to PG. So what do you do?'
me: 'I'm a cheese monger.'
O: 'A cheese what?'
me: 'I have about $20,000 of cheese, and I sell it.'
O: 'Oh, well, I love cheese. What's your favorite one?'
me: 'I just found this amazing one from Cowgirl Creamery in California. It's a wash rind, and the inside is soft like brie, and it tastes so fresh! It's amazing.'
O: 'Well my sister-in-law just brought us a raspberry one, and it was delicious.'
me: 'Raspberry Bellavitano? Tastes like a sweet parmesan?"
O: That's the one! If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'll be right back.
(He takes my license and goes back to his truck for a few minutes, and then returns.)
O: 'Well I just love cheese.'
me: 'The next time you're in Utah, you'll have to come buy some from my store.'
O: 'That sounds good. I'll hafta do that. Do you need a ticket today?'
me: 'No, I don't think so.'
O: 'You have a great day. It was a pleasure talkin' cheese with you. Just slow down. I don't want to meet you down the road in an accident."
me: 'Thank you sir.'


That was the best part of my day. I'm thankful I didn't get a ticket. I'm glad I got to talk to such a pleasant person. I got to talk cheese instead of getting a ticket.

Funny Thought

I had a funny thought tonight. I remember in high school, I used to agonize over my grades, SAT score, etc. "If I don't pass this physics test, I won't get a good grade, and then I won't get into a good college, and then I'll be a bagger at Walmart for the rest of my life."

So now to the funny thought... Now that I'm an adult, my grades in high school are the least of my worries. The fact that I got an A or a D in any class does not make my day go better.

Not to say I'm not thankful for what I learned in high school. I loved it, and I had amazing teachers that really taught me to think. That is the most important thing I carry with me today.

Also today, I got glimpses and feelings of happiness and contentment. That's kind of a big deal. I saw the snow on the mountains, and thought they were so beautiful. I am so thankful for my car with a working heater, and to be done with work for a few days. I am thankful for my family and the support and joy they give to me. I am thankful for the roof over my head. I am thankful for my job, the fact that I enjoy it, and that I have money in the bank. I am having moments of clarity, when fear doesn't control my thoughts, and I can let things be as they are.

Another thing today, I heard on NPR, a man talking about crappy feelings. He was saying that the feelings we have in the middle of change or a challenge in life are very motivating to make things happen. They are an important biological factor in the evolution of ourselves. When we're experiencing those feelings, it's a good thing because it means were shifting, and moving.

These are all disjointed thoughts, that I had real quick.

I just wonder...

Am I ever going to be happy again?

May You Find Some Comfort Here

I haven't posted in a long time. I got caught up in my new job so much that I haven't given anything else much attention. Even Facebook.

I feel that more or less, my medication is working, or at least I have thought it has. I think it is. What I really believe that I get to do now is go back to something I learned a long time ago. My thoughts create my reality. I get to get my thoughts under control. I let my mind spiral, and I am incredibly self critical. I've always been my hardest judge, but lately I am ridiculous.

I think there is an element to my job that is addicting. I can push myself harder and harder, and there is always more to do. I can't reach perfection, and it pisses me off. Yet, I keep striving for it, thinking, 'Maybe this week'. And then I beat myself up when I can't do it. Perhaps I am putting more pressure on myself than anyone else expects.

How do I learn to love myself and be kind to myself?

I am working on that. Baby steps at work. Prioritize more, so that I can say, I can get this, this and this done. And not expect myself to do everything, right now.

Tonight, I cried a little bit after I left work because I left some things undone. And not so much undone, but I saw things as I was closing and I thought, 'That needs to be done.' I made myself leave instead of keep working, after I'd already worked 10 hours. Maybe I'm OCD? It stayed with me for awhile, as I drove home, and even at home for a bit. "I didn't do that! I should have before I left! What if they think I'm a bad employee?"

Anyways, I heard this song on the radio as I was driving home. (No NPR for me tonight.) I think this song is my new favorite. It sounded really nice to me. I hope I fall asleep tonight thinking about angels and have a wonderful, peaceful dream.

Sarah McLachlan- Angel