5 Things I am Grateful For

I've had a shitty day. So here is what I am thankful for today:

1. I haven't farted or taken a loud dump in the new place I am living. It just wouldn't make a great impression on the new roommates. Not to mention the bathroom is right next to one of my roommates bedrooms, where her and her boyfriend have been hanging out for the past two days because she is sick. So yes, I am thankful for no digestive problems, because there is no hiding it in this place.

2. My roommates dogs. They are so damn cute, and even if I don't really get why life is worth living, they get me through each moment that I see them. I don't know why any of us are alive or why any of it matters, but hell, they're cute, they're here, I'm here, let's play!

3. I am grateful for my car. It works well. It's warm. I am alive, and while I am, I am grateful for a working car. It's the best when it runs well, I have no anxiety about needing gas, needing the oil changed, etc. I don't know the purpose of my existence, but while I'm here I'm grateful for what I've got. It makes this crazy life better...less painful. I guess I'm expected to have a job, and be able to work so I can buy shit, and do shit, and somehow I am supposed to feel fulfilled. So thank you car for getting me there to do it all. But seriously....thankful for the car.

4. The beautiful weather. It could be snowing, cold, and gloomy, but it has been sunny, not all that cold, and the sky is clear. I like that. Thank you sunshine!

5. My parents. I call them all the time. Seriously wondering if I should just move home. Hey, half the people that actually graduated from college are, so I guess it wouldn't seem so bad if I did too. Part of me is like, "God no! Don't do it!" And the other part of me is like, "Well, why the hell not? Nothing else is working out so great. So I might as well be around people that love me?"

I dunno, maybe I'm being a little too harsh on life. I just don't get it though. I work so I can have money to pay for a place to live, eat, for stuff, to do things, and I'm just going through the motions of it all. Why does it matter? And then I think, "Oh, I sound so ungrateful. So now I'm going to lose everything so I can appreciate it." Well, that would kinda blow. I don't want life to get TOUGHER.

I do appreciate having a warm place to sleep, food, a family to call, etc. I really did mean it when I said I appreciate my car, and not farting. And I appreciate my job so that I can pay for my car/gas/insurance/maintenance.

So, I'm alive. I have stuff. I like it. I am grateful for it, and while I'm alive, I'd rather have it than not. But I still find myself asking why? And if I can't find an answer to that question, can I please stop asking it and just freaking enjoy life and all it's randomness? Why does it all have to have a reason?

Sleep, I Need You. I Want You...

I was asleep.  I don't know why I am awake now.  I have to be back to work in four hours so this is super awesome.  I don't know why I woke up, but as soon as I did my mind started racing.  That's super lame.  I am thinking about this wheel of cheese that's at work, that's sitting on the counter.  Some cheese, it's okay to leave out over night.  In fact, for a Parm Reg wheel, it's necessary if you want to be able to cut it.  However, I am wondering right now why I ever listen to my assistant.  I usually don't, but I did last night.  He said, "Sure, let's leave the Gruyere wheel out."  For some reason, and don't ask me why, it made sense to me at the time.  And quite frankly, I was too busy to stop and really think about it.  It's a seventy pound wheel of cheese, we leave the other seventy pound wheel of cheese out, so why not?  However, it dawns on me now, if it were a quarter wheel of cheese, would I have left it out? 

Negative. 

It's not cut, so it's safe, right?   "F*%%  F^*&)&  F*&$"   That's about how I feel about that.  That is a $1000 piece of cheese, at least.  It sucks because I really only have myself to blame for not thinking.  I am really busy at work, and my assistant and I were actually getting along yesterday.  That is rare.  But I was being too agreeable, and thinking this guy might actually know what he is doing, because he had a couple of good ideas yesterday.  F$#^ Me. 

It's my first holiday season as a Cheese Monger, and why the hell did I go and listen to my assistant who's a dumbf*&^?  I don't typically listen to him, which creates tension at work, and he bitches and complains how I treat him like a child, etc.  So typically, being at work isn't a lot of fun, but it's not because I don't like the work I do.  I love it.  It's a matter of who I work with.

So, on a day that I agree with him, get along with him, don't correct him, etc...it costs me $1000.

I'd rather not be the boss that causes people to go home and kick the dog (mostly because I love dogs but I also like to think that I care about people).  But if it's going to cost me that big, there's a part of me that would rather be a bitch.   How do I balance being the powerful, loving, healing, inspiring being I know I am, and dealing with a person that I feel I have to treat like shit to get anything done?  I don't feel like I can be nice to him, or treat him as kindly as I would like to, because I feel like he takes advantage of it, consciously or unconsciously, I don't know.  But if I'm not ordering him around, if I don't babysit the man to get things done, he doesn't do his job real well. 

I feel like I am rambling.  It's the middle of the night and I'm tired.  I'm not entirely sure if I am even making sense anymore. 

I guess for you out there that feel like you have a boss that makes you "kick the dog",  your boss may very feel like kicking the dog too.  That is all hypothetical.  I would never kick my dog, nor do I condone kicking dogs.  Dogs are the best to cuddle up with when what you really want to do is kick someone else.  

I should get a dog again.