I Won Today.

I used to have a boss that asked, "Did you win today?" Today, the answer is yes. I gave a big eff you to depression today.

I woke up this morning after having a restful, good nights sleep. Thank god. That's a great start to the day, and I was so thankful. Then I realized it's Post Secret Sunday! (As every Sunday is.) I get excited when I wake up and realize it's Sunday and there are new secrets waiting for me to read. Interestingly, there were two about depression today and one about suicide. I am not alone in this struggle, and if I can inspire one other person on my journey up, then maybe they can inspire another one to take it on too and rise above. Me choosing happiness is going to effect so many more people than I even know at this time, or possibly ever.

So just as I was starting a great day, depression almost got the best of me. I sat at my computer for a few hours looking for jobs, and finding nothing new that really applies to me. Point is, I got a little discouraged today. With depression, it's not just discouraged. It's, "Oh my God, my life is shit. It's shit right now. It's going to continue to be shit forever and ever and ever. And then I die."

My mom tells me to stop awfulizing everything. I take a little detail and build a whole story of it. Yesterday I told her all the reasons why this job I want will definitely not hire me. I make it sound like they'd be damn fools to hire me. Then my mom called me on my bullshit. She basically called me a liar, and asked me why I was saying all these horrible things and why on earth would I tell myself all these things that aren't true. I'm making it up in my head. That's why I love her. Yes, my mother is right.

So today, when I was talking to friends and telling them about that job interview, I saw it in a new light. My friends were actually pretty impressed as I told them what I knew about this job and what I would do if I got it. It made me feel like it's actually a possibility that I could get hired. I just have to wait two weeks to find out. That's a little agonizing...unless it isn't. I'm going to keep applying for jobs. I have a house to deep clean this week. My best friend is getting married on Saturday.

HR that's going to take two weeks to make a decision, by all means, take two weeks because I have a life. I'm not going to sit by the phone like a whipped girl waiting for a guy to call. I've got things to do, and life to enjoy. My best freaking friend since 8th grade is getting married this week! Today I got to buy my first pair of Chuck Taylors for the occasion! They're black, but pink inside!

Also big news today, well, not BIG news, but exciting and it makes me happy. Today is my boyfriends and my 7 month anniversary. (Let's call my boyfriend J. If I typed out his name people would get confused about who exactly I was talking about. I'll leave it at that.) Let me tell you why 7 months is a big deal... the longest relationship I ever had before him lasted a month and a half. I am a loner, and people who know me, have known me as single. I don't date much. I don't bring guys home to meet the family. In fact, my best friend that's getting married this week, the one I've known since 8th grade...J is the first guy I've ever introduced to her as my boyfriend.

Meeting J was kind of a big deal. When I first considered dating him, and tried to make up all the reasons not to, all I heard in my heart was, 'This relationship can go as far as you want it to. If you want commitment, go for it. Just go! Just go! Just go!' If I were in Neverland and wanted to fly, he would be my happy thought to make me fly. He's a happy thought that just gets me through the day sometimes.

I write so much. So reader's digest version of why I won today:
Slept great. Got to read Post Secret. Told discouragement to take a hike, and got on with my day. Bought shoes and a skirt for my best friends wedding. Also saw two amazing dresses at the store, tried them on, and said, 'Girl, you the business.' (I took pictures and hopefully my boyfriend will say, 'We gotta buy those....now.') I organized my music on my computer and made new playlists. I ate today. That's a big deal lately because I seem to have no appetite. Talked to two good friends, and felt more loved. I get to kiss my boyfriend tonight!

All in all, I enjoyed the day. I didn't awfulize. I didn't stress. I took it one day at time, and did the best I could with today. What's this game called? I win!

I Get What I Give

Now that you have the introduction to why this blog is here, let me tell you about some things that have uplifted me and gotten me through dark times. The title of my blog is "I've Got The Music In Me" and it comes from the song You Get What You Give by The New Radicals. This song literally saved my life as I was going to commit suicide one day three years ago, and this song came on my iPod as I was walking to my apartment, making my plans. It stopped me, and I listen to it when I'm feeling down to remind me not to give up, I've got a reason to live.

The New Radicals- You Get What You Give music video


This song reminds me, I get to get back on track. I get to give love. I get to embrace beauty, and love life. I love life= life loves me. There is so much I have to be thankful for. At this very moment, I am so very thankful to both my parents for being so loving and supporting of me. I know that they see the beauty, power, and the amazing contribution I am to this world, when I can't see that in myself. So they keep encouraging me, and letting me know they've got my back.

I am grateful for my boyfriend. He brings so much joy into my life, and I love him very much. As I take on my depression, at first, I thought he'd run, but he has stuck by me because he too sees the beauty in me. He loves me at my best, and he loves me at my worst. He's definitely a motivator in me taking on my life, because I get really excited about our future together. I want to be healthy for it, and enjoy it.

I get to create a beautiful life, instead of falling victim to depression and just getting by my whole life.

Taking on depression. I am the master of my life.

I have battled with depression most of my life. The earliest age I contemplated suicide, I believe was 11 or so. I've had my ups and downs. Periods in my life when I've been really low, and periods when I've been just fine. Interestingly, more often than not, I'm fine. I'm a bit sensitive or melancholy at times, but the deep depression doesn't happen that often.

Three years ago I had a pretty bad episode, and was suicidal. For the past couple of years, I've been just fine. However, last fall the symptoms started coming on slowly, and so far this year, it's been hell. Last week I had an anxiety attack that looked and felt much like a heart attack. Scary. So for the first time in six years, I am medicated. I started this week with a small dosage that will increase over the next two weeks.

I still feel like I'm living in hell. It doesn't just instantly get better. My take on life has basically been that I am the biggest sucker. Life is like reading a shitty book that everyone else is raving about. I keep reading, hoping it will get good, and then I get to the end, disappointed. Am I going to get to the end of life, and say, "Really? That sucked! Why did I bother? This shit is overrated." God I hope not. I really will feel like the biggest sucker.

I know I've had my happy moments in life. I know I've had years when I really really loved life. When depression is in full force, it's hard to remember them, or think they will ever come again. I'm having a hard time lately. Depression is getting the best of me. I was miserable at my job, so I found another one and gave my notice. The new job fell through, but I thought I could find something in the couple of weeks I had. I've been applying, I've been interviewing, and I haven't found one yet. I've already had my last day of work. So I'm unemployed right now.

I didn't sleep much last night. I stress. I agonize over what I could have said better in the interview yesterday. This morning, I wondered how am I ever going to find a job when the spark, the fire in me isn't really there right now? I'm not myself right now.

Thank god for my mom. She is my super hero and the person backing me up as I take on hell right now. She told me it's up to me to keep going, to take on my fears, be thankful for what I do have. Tonight we'll talk again about what each of us did with our day, to make it better.

I have done a lot of things today. I applied for more jobs, I showered, I have attempted to eat twice (I am going to finish that burrito when I finish typing this. You do not let Cafe Rio go to waste. No matter how depressed you are.) I did not let depression get the best of me today. I did not give up. I got to see my best friend, which was such an awesome, much needed, surprise. I decided to start this blog.

The purpose for this blog is to assist me in taking on depression, being the master of my life, and consciously creating the life I deserve to have.

I am not ashamed of having depression. It blows, but I am taking on my life, and I want to share the journey with others. For support for me. To support others who struggle, and to uplift and inspire others as I take it on.

F%$k depression.